CALENDAR OF EVENTS
April 1999 Ann not feeling well, back pain and canker-soars in the mouth
May 1999 Ann being treated for back pain and so on.
June 1999 Ann has pelvic pain. She?s evaluated by gynecologist.
June 1999 Ann is diagnosed with possible ovarian cancer.
July 1999 Pathology report confirms the big ?C?.
September 1999 Chemotherapy begins.
December 1999 Chemotherapy ends.
April 2000 Cancer is still active. Doctor suggested an alternative treatment.
May 2000 Go to Livingston Clinic for holistic treatment,
November 2000 Reevaluation looks cautiously good.
March 2001 Ann end?s diary. She begins to write her personal memoirs.
May 2001 Ann is too sick to return to
June, 2001 Georgann returns home to take care of her mom.
July 2001 Ann becomes weaker but in control of the meaning of death.
July 2001 Hospice is called in.
ANN?S DIARY/SCRAPBOOK: Living with cancer
A DIARY-SCRAPBOOK IS A MUST EXERCISE WHEN LIVING WITH THE NEGATIVE: BECAUSE YOU SPEAK TO YOURSELF, AND COMMUNICATE WITH THE MYSTERY THAT ENLARGES THE POSITIVE SELF.
This diary is presented to balance Ann?s life in my book Ann of Green Pastures. It shows how she lived with the ultimate adversity. Also, it might be inspiring for others who find themselves in her predicament. May her thoughts and faith here lighten your burden! George
Ann?s Diary is also partly a scrapbook. In my book ANN OF GREEN PASTURES I have noted how Ann perpetually grabs onto meaningful thoughts presented by all forms of communications. Hence, the scrapbook part is made of ?get well cards,? some newspaper articles? and photographs. The diary part is her words. Ann reflects daily with written thoughts that are always embedded with two words: gratitude and faith.
It is not until page 132, between entries November 4 and 5, 2000 that she finally comes to terms with her life and death. On that page she draws two pictures, one is sad the other happy and similar words under each respective picture.
The left side picture is made up of a bright sun, birds in the clear sky, and a beautiful clean stone pathway with Ann walking on it. The pathway has living trees and flowers on each side. The right side picture is joined together by the pathway which is now muddy by the rain falling from the dark clouds in the sky. And it has no trees or flowers along the pathway. However, the right side picture is not totally despairing. There is a rainbow; Ann has 5 colorful balloons held in her hand by strings and 7 red hearts are sprinkled under the rainbow.
My interpretation is: A certain way of life is coming to an end. How do you deal with it? You have to reimagine what death is. Is it extinction or a ?right of passage?? These are the two final conclusions. The debate is over. Ann chooses the ?right of passage.? She symbolizes that choice by a rainbow, by balloons and hearts. These three metaphors are about celebration. She places her trust in her intellectual intuition that there is more than what comes through the senses. This is her statement in art form.
Her statements in words are as follows.
The left side drawing, the bright side of life: ?Life was pleasant. I had good health, very active and was able to volunteer at two different schools. I was active also at St. Leo?s; attended Mass at least twice during the week. I took very good care of my health: no bad habits and ate the right food 90% of the time, exercised and took my vitamins. Enjoying life to the fullest, I thought it would remain this way.?
The right side drawing, mixture of dark and bright: ?In June 1999, at age 67, the last year of the Century, life drastically changed?the storm hit. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer out of the blue. With God?s grace and blessings I experienced peace and total resignation to the complete change in my journey through life. The love I was shown by family, friends and new acquaintances and St. Leo?s community was amazing. It has brought joy in my life. There are moments when I experience the storm (drawing) but my many blessings bring me out of the ?storm.?
THE BEGINNING OF THE DIARY
DECEMBER 31, 1999
NEW YEAR?S EVE
Ann note?s that this journal book and idea is a gift from my loving niece Norine, Christmas 1999!
Last day of the millennium! It is a great day in one?s life, to be able to experience the changing of the millennium.
We had a nice dinner with Sophie and Rich Malani at Kenwood. It is a blessing to have new friends, real people, down to earth.
This past year were days of enjoyment: a trip to
SATURDAY
Happy New Year
and a very Blessed one!
A year of healing, growth, peace, joyfilled, accomplishments and enjoying the beauty of life!
In spite of the disappointment I enjoyed our day: it was quiet and peaceful. The weather was overcast and dreary but thank God, we were able to make our own sunshine, and we brought out the sun by I accomplished writing some thank you notes and preparing my bills, to pay. We enjoyed watching the Rose Bowl, Stanford vs.
Received these lovely photo?s from Don and Vicki (such good friends) taken when they visited with us a week before Christmas.
Nice to receive a call from Georgann (daughter)! Happy to hear she is feeling better.
It is a good feeling to be able to pay our bills and to have them written out by the afternoon.
Happy also to have Aaron (son) visiting with us and share dinner. It is always a good feeling to see him; pleasant to have around; to see him looking well.
January 3, Monday: New Year?s resolutions: right attitudes, determination, being faithful, think positive. These quiet, simple days give me the opportunity to think and focus. Hope I do not waste these precious moments.
January 4, Tuesday: A simple day of simple blessings. I am not going out in public because of my low blood count. Too many people have the flu. The morning was filled with little jobs accomplished. After lunch I tackled the ironing, a good number of George?s shirts.
How nice to hear from Dolly Dohn. She informed us Pete Riella died. RIP.
I am blessed in feeling well and have a good appetite. My good friend Warren also called. We had a good talk.
January 5, Wednesday: A quiet and simple day with small jobs accomplished. My dear sister Evelyn called. How nice to have someone think of you and concerned. Thank you, God, for a loving family. My dear sister-in-law
A beautiful wintry day: clear, nippy and sunny. Around in the afternoon I was able to sit on the front deck, bundled up, of course. Felt good absorbing the sunny. It?s been a while since I sat outside.
January 6, Thursday: The feast of the Epiphany: Christ message is meant for all people and many people are attracted to it. It is a beacon and a guide in their daily lives. Jesus has given us much by his example. May his example be our daily challenge!
We went into town for a few errands. Good to get out. We stopped at an open house, an old historical house in El Verano which is for sale.
Roger Bartel called from
January 7, Friday: A very quiet day which now and then is very nice. I was alone taking down the ornaments off the tree. There is always a little sad feeling dismounting the Christmas tree and other decorations. Holidays are over! Back to normal daily life! The New Year goes forward. What am I to make of the days ahead?
January 8, Saturday: What a nice blessing to stay in bed till . Felt good.
Cleaning day! Finished taking the tree down! Thank you God, for George! He vacuumed the carpet, after removing the Christmas tree. Then he mopped the kitchen floor. It is a blessing, having the energy to organize the Christmas decorations for next year and to clean the bathrooms. Then it was time for nice shower and to prepare supper.
January 9, Sunday: We are celebrating George?s birthday today. I did a little shopping and then baked George?s cake. Aaron arrived around We had a nice dinner. How nice it is to celebrate together. George will be 65 years old Tuesday. Wish Georgann was here to celebrate with us.
January 10, Monday: I came across these worthwhile sayings from an old calendar.
Let us choose to believe something Good can happen.
It is more important to do the right thing than to do things right.
Doing your best is more important than being the best.
The difference between winning and losing is self-discipline.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Nothing is achieved before it is thoroughly attempted.
Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice.
Victory belongs to the most persevering.
A hero is one who hangs on one minute longer.
Patience unlocks the door to achievement.
January 11, Tuesday: George?s birthday, 65 years old. What a blessing George has been in my life. I thank God for his good health and all the care he has shown me during my sickness. I pray God to continue to bless him with good health, long life and happiness.
January 12, Wednesday: What a challenge to follow in Saint Francis footsteps (Saint of the Century). Never to his degree of poverty, humility, self-sacrifice, and love has there been another like him. But I do pray that in some degree I may see the opportunity in my daily life to practice in some way these Christ-like virtues. Amen
January 13, Thursday: Val Matthews has been so faithful each month sending me a greeting with words of encouragement, prayers and love. How blessed I am for being part of St. Leo?s community. She enclosed this little angel cast in medal, as a sign of a caring and thoughtful prayer. I received a card from Don and Vicki also with words of encouragement and prayers. (I have a cat-scan tomorrow.) Thank you God for these blessings!
January 14, Friday: Today I anticipated my cat-scan. I experienced a little anxiety, but on the whole I had faith and hope for a good outcome.
While I was lying on the table I thought positive thoughts, especially the many people who are praying for me which gave me peace. Now, I have to anticipate the visit with Dr. Stanton on Tuesday for the results.
I listened to Jeff Laying?s tape on ?Focus on Wellness? this morning. Jeff is a cancer patient who is in remission. He says there are 5 basic truths cancer patients should know in order to handle their sickness:
Cancer is not a death sentence.
I am not a victim.
Change your thoughts (healing consciousness).
Consciousness creates reality.
Focus on wellness. ?The fate of the bird is in your hands.?
January 15, Saturday: A day of cleaning, and I felt up to it. It was the first day I seemed to have full energy. Cleaning all day and took a few minutes in the morning to write in my journal, and even baked a batch of cookies. Felt really good to have the energy. We went to It has been a number of weeks for me because of my low blood count and all the flu that was going around. I was happy to see that Father Jack was saying the Mass. Thank you God! I am back with St. Leo?s community.
January 16, Sunday: Preparing for Toni, Don, Sue, Marlene and Michael?s visit with us. A blessing to have family visit! What a delicious meal we all enjoyed. We even exchanged some Christmas gifts.
Dee and
I watched the Biography on Oprah Winfrey. A wonderful human being! God bless her!
January 17, Monday: Did not have a very good sleep, but at least we were able to sleep in a little later, which felt good. After breakfast, a feeling of exhaustion came over me. The busyness of the last two days caught up with me. So, I did go to my chair and rested.
We ate lunch and then I felt much better. Did two loads of wash and baked some oatmeal cookies for the crew at the oncology center in
January 18, Tuesday: It is a morning of anxiety. What will the cat-scan tell me? I received a surprise call from Jan Cilibert from
Results were good: vital organs not cancerous. George was with me. What good news! Alleluia! I will have to see the Urologist because the urethra was dilated. This has to be checked out. I pray all will be well. I called the family and friends about the results.
January 19, Wednesday: Day at the dentist! It is such a blessing to have a good dentist, Melissa Rinck. We have a lot of confidence in her. I am anxious about making the appointment with the Urologist.
January 20, Thursday: I took Warren (a good friend) out to lunch for his birthday. We had a delightful lunch at a new Italian restaurant on Broadway.
January 21, Friday: I had a blessed day shopping. How blessed we are to enjoy good food and are able to purchase it. I went to Sebastiani-theater in the evening. We viewed a delightful film Cider House Rules. The main character, a young man, had a generous heart. The end of the film, he gives his life to aide young children in an orphanage! A blessed film!
January 22, Friday: Thank God I had the energy to go shopping and clean house. In matter of fact I had good energy. I had a nice long conversation with my beloved niece Rosemary. She is such a joy! I attended the Mass. Our first hymn was ?Come and journey with me.? My life?s journey with all its twists and turns is traveled with God?s Spirit in my heart. How else can I face all the surprises which have come into my life?s journey?
January 23, Sunday: It is a very wintry day; it rained all day. The beauty was in the rain, as we need it desperately. It is a relaxing day. I did anticipate tomorrow?s Urologist examination with some anxiety. I am concentrating on positive thinking, focusing on wellness. God? grace is my strength.
January 24, Monday: Went to my Urologist appointment at . He looked over my cat-scan. He set up an appointment for a bladder examination for tomorrow―another anticipation! I received some clippings from Norine. The one on Beau the dog is special. I know what our pets have meant to me since my illness. They bring much comfort and joy: Bella our dog and Leona our cat. Even looking out the window from my recliner and seeing Megan our horse, so gentle, and all the chickens roaming the property: they are a blessing.
January 25, Tuesday: I went back to the Urologist, Dr. Nevine Smith for the bladder test. Thank you God, the bladder was fine. I am grateful for this report. I will have to see him again next week after doing some test home. I am feeling fine. I hope and pray this is a good indication that the problem of the dilated urethra and kidney is minor.
January 26, Wednesday: I went to my dentist, Melissa Rinck, for my crown. The crown did not fit properly. I have to return next Wednesday. I went to Yosi to get a haircut. Yosi has been my hairdresser for 26 years. Amazing!
January 27, Thursday: George came with me to do some errands in the morning. We both went into Marin to pick-up Shirley (our legally adopted daughter). Seniors had their Retreat day. Shirley felt it was a day of blessings. We stopped at Don and Vicki?s to wish Vicki a Happy birthday. Don had a little surprise for Shirley. It was nice to see them again. I went to my international dance class and danced for an hour and a half. Alleluia!
January 28, Friday: Early rising! I visited Dr. Tang at Stanford. It was a nice trip. We got to stop and see Toni and Don on the way. They are concerned about the report. The report was good news. Thank you God! Dr. Tang mentioned, ?How do we keep the cancer consolidated and in remission. There are three choices: follow up with a 3 months check up and blood test, an experimental pill, or more chemo. He feels the best result is more chemo. He will discuss this with Dr. Stanton. I will see Dr. Stanton April 11.
Until then I will pray and focus on wellness and I hope to be active. After my visit with Dr. Tang we stopped and visited with Evelyn and Frank then Sam and
January 29, Saturday: Cleaning day! The day passed too quickly. We had an enjoyable dinner and evening with Gail, Jack, Lauren and Gail?s mom, Marion. Good friends!
January 30, Sunday: Super Bowl Sunday! I enjoyed attending the 8:45 am Mass. I was able to see some of the people whom I hadn?t seen in a long while. I enjoyed a quiet day, a nice change. George, Bella and I took a short walk between showers. The fresh air felt so good. The Rams won the Super Bowl. It was an exciting game towards the end.
January 31, Monday: I attended morning
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|